don't give up, skeleton!
This post is not about games.
I've been on feminizing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for almost a year, and my name has been Grace for almost three. I'm going to be 33 this year.
image from "I Saw the TV Glow"
My entire life up until very recently has been more or less defined by an unplaceable sense of alienation. A sense of not fitting in, of having something fundamentally off about me that I could not explain. I've felt that my emotions were dulled, or that they don't function at all. When people around me experienced big wins or tragedies, I felt nothing. I've had a constant self-criticism and hypervigilance about my behaviors and appearance, and attempted to disappear into the background at all times, to avoid being noticed whenever possible. I avoided cameras like the plague. I've lashed out making completely incomprehensible arguments in frustration over what's expected of me, and felt worse afterwards for failing to be rational like I thought I was. Like I thought was the one redeeming thing I had going for me. I was completely unable to imagine a future for myself that would satisfy me, that would be anything more than tolerable. I hated receiving gifts. I was incapable of romantic love. Time was unreal to me, I had no sense of the years. I can't remember much of the details of my past, especially the relative time frames. I haven't celebrated my birthday since before I can remember.
You may recognize these statements as symptoms of depersonalization.
image from "Dark Souls"
There are, of course, non-gender reasons a person might experience symptoms such as these. But for me, gender seemed to be the culprit. COVID lockdown had given me a lot of private time to dress differently around the house, and to observe myself, unburdened by the shaping observations of others. It had given me a flourishing community of friends interacting in spaces where no one could see my face, where I was anything I claimed to be, held back not at all by the way I looked or sounded. It had given me, in short, a glimpse at a different way of being.
I can't convince you to make a change like this. I've been forbidden by the sisterhood to cast that spell anymore after the incident. Instead, I'd like to tell you about some of my joys.
image from Thomas Hanusek
In September I reached out to an old friend for the first time in a couple of years. This is someone who made me feel indescribably safe and seen a long time ago and who I've kept barely in touch with in the intervening time just due to physical distance. I cried when he responded with kindness. I am crying now as I write this.
In October I heard from a family member who had gone off the grid from my perspective, who it turns out also transitioned. She's wonderful, I hope to see her again in person soon.
In December I attended the family Christmas for the first time in almost a decade.
In March I flew across the United States to visit my girlfriend for the first time. We'd been talking for some months prior, and reader, let me tell you something. There's something to this "love" idea. I'm thinking there might be a reason humans have been making art about it for as long as there's been humans.
I see people like me all around my small town now. I'm talking to some of them. Next week I think I'm gonna meet a few new friends at a local bar.
I feel good in my clothes now. I have good outfits that make me feel confident and real. I enjoy clothes shopping. I am able to believe that the looks I get from strangers are friendly, or admiring even.
I finally feel like I have a place I belong. I can feel my feelings. My phone is full of selfies. I'm so much more in control of myself and taking steps to improve further. I'm planning for my future.
My birthday is the 3rd of August. You're invited.